Quest Progress

Despite all the flaming shit I’m wading through right now, the amount of pride I felt forty seconds ago stomps it all out.

I decided to train harder than I ever have, today, before I go to see Alex. Part of this is so I’m a disgusting stinking mess (no running water means no shower), but the other part of it is so I’m too weak to do anything I may regret.

So, I loaded all the weight onto my bowflex and decided to start squatting.

I can squat 210.

I squat fifty pounds in excess of my current weight.

Fuck everything else right now. I am powerful.

I love myself.

I’ve been developing this habit lately where I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about Alex, and I wind up switching the light on and writing out some kind of letter to her. Kind of a dorky venting type letter, too, just so I don’t have to stew on my emotions for too long and so I can finally get some rest.

Not a lot of rest, admittedly, but I try.

Anyway, I’m going to talk to her later on this morning over the phone, and that’s been keeping me up. Trying to sort out what I want to say to her, what to ask her, trying to guess within reasonable limit what she might say/ask me… the kind of mental preparation I reserve for critical conversations.

I hope she calls past 9AM, I don’t want to have to do this with my mother home. She’s such as eavesdropping and meddlesome creature. I don’t want to have to wear a mask while I try to bear my soul, it’s just weird. And uncomfortable. I would much rather wait for her to leave and invite Alex over, but I doubt she’d come to my house anyway. Which in turn makes me wish I had never dumped her to begin with.

Mom’s going to be gone most of the day, and that means I’m going to be alone today. I can remember a time when this would inspire joy. But whatever. My stupid-as-fuck decision that I’ll have to live with, but at least now I know what I’m apologizing for.

If it doesn’t come out when I speak with her, then…

I am just really, really weak, after all.

I finally understand where I went wrong, here. It was something I did, violating the fundamental reason you said you were with me.

I tried to change myself for you. I never needed to be told that my career is what should be most important to me, I already knew that and it was already true within me. It was my mistaken notion that if I didn’t try to put you first, that you would think you were of no importance to me at all.

I had overlooked the simple statement you had made regarding change. When I asked you what was wrong with me, what I should change so that I could be THE person for you, you were against forced change. You said that if I tried to be anyone other than who I am, then I would cease to be the person you wanted to be with.

And this is so obviously true.

So my apology is for trying to change, when you were already happy with what you had.

I’m sorry.

I really am.

I just played a game of chess with a good and super-cute friend of mine to get my mind off of Alex.

It took me twenty moves to win. Playing black (preferred side; I never win as white…)

1. e2-e4 g7-g6
2. b2-b3 b8-c6
3. c2-c4 g8-f6
4. d2-d3 f6xe4
5. d3xe4 f8-g7
6. b1-c3 g7xc3+
7. c1-d2 c3xa1
8. d1xa1 e7-e5
9. f2-f4 d7-d6
10. f4xe5 d6xe5
11. g1-f3 o-o
12. d2-h6 c6-d4
13. f3xe5 d4-c2+
14. e1-e2 c2xa1
15. e2-e3 c7-c5
16. f1-d3 d8-d4+
17. e3-f4 f7-f5
18. g2-g3 f5xe4+
19. f4-g5 d4xe5+
20. g5-h4 e5-h5++

I played a game with Katie the other day (also cute, but not AS cute,) and I played black… or whatever misty-glass is supposed to be… though I went first. Bah. Whatever.

The game with her was thrown by emotional distraction rather than mere exhaustion, and I nearly threw the game (not give up; but played intentionally poorly) a few times. But I could tell she honestly wanted me to try… so… eh.

Won that game with a nearly-empty board.

I dunno. I’m not really that good at chess. I tend to luck my way into good positions if I don’t make strong openings. This doesn’t mean I win a lot, mind you. Just that I tend to frustrate people by coming out of nowhere and destroying their setup.

I suppose that applies to my life in general, really!

So, I have now been through the short-hand version of a relationship. I found someone I liked, ignored them for about a year, saw her perform in a school choir, kissed her, stayed with her for about a week, and then broke up.

Pretty much everything except dinner and sex, which means I spent like ten dollars on ice cream.

I’m going to spin my summary in such a way that I’m left in a relatively positive light, because I’ve been awake these past few days in negative light (darkness that EATS AWAY AT YOUR SOUL, for future reference) on the floor listening to sappy songs and death metal while crying:

We had a disagreement over what should be more important to me (I said her, she said my career) which lead to her threatening to break up with me if I couldn’t see things her way. So I broke up with her.

What’s that? Still sounds pretty negative? Well once I get all the fun context stuff in there and I don’t conveniently leave out what an asshole I’ve been… it’d just be worse.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this post. Let’s just do a numbered list and see where stuff goes.

1. Breaking up is the only right answer.
   Okay, honestly it’s the right answer that doesn’t include deception or total silence (both of which are largely temporary solutions.) The policy here is to be straightforward with her, though the problem with that is that I was letting how upset I was leak into it.
   
   But basically: If I stay with her, but refuse to lie to her and say she’s more important to me than anything else, she breaks up with me. This is bad. SO, instead, I refuse to change what’s important to me and break up with her. Still bad, but in a twisted way is also a way of telling her that she really is most important.

   Because even though I’m no longer dating her, she’s still at the top of my list. (The problem with not being her boyfriend at the same time is that now I’m treading in stalker territory all of a suddenly. It’s like I was flying in a jet amongst the clouds and now I’ve plummeted behind enemy lines.)

2. I knew this would happen (only not the way I expected)
   This is a really negative point to make, but it’s vital to the issue at hand: I’m an actor. One with ridiculously high expectations of myself and my career. I was worried that by being away for months at a time that she would grow sick of me, or me not being there, or how ever you would like to put it. My mistake here was assuming she was the everygirl that I’ve been avoiding my whole life. My mistake here was preempting a decision that she may never have made in the first place; I have been terrified of the day when, because I’m gone for months at a time or living far away, she wants to see other people.

   The biggest mistake, though, was not realizing that by dumping her I’m putting her out for other guys WHILE I’M STILL HERE.

   Fuck.

3. I don’t recycle relationships.
   I had to empty out my inbox of txt messages, so I cannot simply transcribe things here flatly to be criticized by strangers (as much as I would love to do that,) but I can still explain the mistake that she called me out on. The one I’ve been going over in my head seemingly endlessly until I decided to actually call her.

   And that was to tell her that I didn’t want to get back together. This comes from me, having been an ear (or reading eye, online) to many peoples’ relationship problems. The second I read “Maybe we need to take a break” I immediately remembered hearing that secondhand from other peoples’ relationships. The term “relationship recycle” was something I made up to describe that cycle of having someone for a little while, throwing them away, then getting back together when they seem new and fresh again. I hate that, but not that in itself. I hate it when that happens to two people and they do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER.Which I just saw the possibility of happening, and again, I am at fault for assuming something so typical, of her.

   So now I’ve not only dug my own grave, but I’ve sealed myself in, as well.

4. I send a mean mixed message.
   This is something that’s just been an issue for me for years. Nobody can ever interpret what I’m trying to get across because I’m so damned confusing. I say something that immediately is contradicted by something I do that is then inverted by my explanation of what I just did.

   I’m actually doing it right now, probably.

   I wish she could just read my mind and understand why doing or saying anything is so complicated for me. OR, better than that torture, simply have one clear and resolute thought. JUST ONE. Something I can communicate and share without having much fuss over about it. Like most people, I wish I knew exactly what I wanted. But failing that, I wish the girl I have so much love for could have the superpowers necessary to deal with me.

6. I love her, and I worry.
   Maybe that she won’t believe me, or think that I’m “saying it too soon,” or… again… anything on the list of typical responses. Up until now it’s mostly been “I love her, but maybe not, it could just be that…” and I’d make up my reason. It could just be that she’s the first girl to honestly want to be with me, or the first that there was mutual attraction, or because of the first kiss, or because I’m just that lonely and depraved fool who mistakes kindness for love, or ‘I’m just saying it because I want to believe it,’ and so on.But losing her made me cry.

   And not the few-tears-on-the-cheek that I’d get when she’d leave. I mean full-on sobbing, to the point where I couldn’t breathe for a minute and sadness was mixed with terror. A wrenching, awful pain that transcended mundane loss and became something so profoundly beyond regret…

I tried to keep this post lighthearted, but it’s really starting to get to me. I’m going to have to stop now.

Yes, once again Eric has found a new diet that he “loves and will make it his lifestyle” for the next couple of days.

Preferably weeks. I’m really trying to find a diet I can both stick with, and will make me supar-sexy for when my girlfriend returns in a few weeks. Why should she have to return to a sedentary blob? She shouldn’t, because she’s awesome.

Anyway, first a quick rundown of the diet’s principles and then a rundown of my meals for my first “feeding.”

The diet I’m following I’ve gleaned from LeanGains, which was linked to at the end of this article at StrongLifts.

What initially attracted me to it, aside from its familiarity due to having read the entirety of the Warrior Diet at a Borders in Los Angeles, is the fasting portion. Many of the modern diets have a “5 or 6 meals, daily” rule in common. I hate this. Supposedly it keeps your metabolism revved and you burn more fat in this way.

I hate it.

I’m a former OMGFATASS, and the way I was able to finally shed the weight (fortunately the year before high school started– YES!) was through anorexic-level starvation. There are three very important reasons I cannot simply do this again:

1. Alex: it scares her. That’s enough of a reason for me.
2. Muscle: it’s eaten. Starvation is catabolic. I’m trying to build up, both for Alex and for my image.
3. Career: I need energy, being starved means being tired ALL the time. I like to work out, I like to go do things, and I honestly enjoy eating.

But I’m very all-or-nothing. If I start eating, it’s rough to say “ONLY SO MUCH.” Which is what you have to do when you are on a 6-meal plan. Snacks only, it seems.

However, with LeanGains, I’m eating 3 squares. Three “normal” sized meals, but I have to eat them within an 8 hour window, as the other 16 I have to be fasting. This just sounds like it will work for me, as it combines the relatively large meals I prefer with the starving that I’m already good at!

So! What I had today:

Breakfast

1 lbs. ground beef
3 cups spinach
dash of garlic powder (if imitating, just put as much as you want… I would normally be doing 1 clove of fresh garlic)
3 Tbsp Promise (fake butter or something… want to use real butter but have to use up two boxes of this stuff first)

I divided this in half and set aside one half for tomorrow.

2 slices whole wheat toast, topped w/ 1 Tbsp Promise
1 small apple
1 One-a-Day Maximum multivitamin tablet

Lunch

20oz skim milk (really, just to get rid of it… will be using water soon)
2 raw eggs
2 scoops GNC strawberry whey powder
1 banana
4 ice cubes

1 half of a bagel

This is technically also my post-workout meal.

Dinner

PB & J Sandwich on Whole Wheat (all-natural stuff)
1 glass of milk… plus some chugged from the bottle (about 3 cups)
Few handfuls of raisins (about a half cup… I have small hands, probably more like pinches)

Going to have 4 eggs nuked with cheese at around 5:00PM, and that will be the last thing I eat until noon tomorrow, if not later, due to a dentist appointment at 8:15AM.

Today was largely a bust. I ate sooner than I should have, ate more than I should have, and screwed up my macronutrients, which I shouldn’t have. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully the dentist doesn’t throw that one off, too. Friday I go camping AT NOON, and am there until Sunday. So it looks like I’m missing two weight workouts…

Ah well. We’ll see. Misses for today:

• Ate 731 calories more than I should have.
• Ate at 10AM rather than 12PM. I may have to do this on Friday too… I NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING to fit that workout in! Sunday can always be HIIT.
• Ate 80g more carbs than I should have.

Try again tomorrow!

I completed my six-week Acting I course yesterday, and I am supremely proud of myself.

Jenny was a friendly and forgiving instructor, extremely helpful yet concise. I recall her saying that she’s moving out (to Texas? Am I crossing my stories here?) and that she may not be around to teach further classes. This sucks. I would have loved to take Acting 2, and so on.

I can’t wait to start another class, with Jenny or anyone else. It was just a great experience, and now I can finally add a page to this site: resume! My only legitimate credit… and a reason why I hope I get to learn more from Jenny. I don’t particularly desire a smattering of different instructors, but I realize that since I will be moving anyway… it’s not entirely avoidable.

I don’t know. I’m just really excited and can’t wait to push on!

So, from 6PM onward, my evening has been fairly interesting.

I went to see a movie with my friend Amanda, and her friend Jeremy and his friend… whose name escapes me. We saw Hancock, had a few cheap chuckles, and Amanda drives me home. When we pull into my parking lot (I live in an apartment) I see my buddy packing up his car.

Amanda leaves, I offer to help him carry some things, and I learn about how he’s been kicked out.

The whole reason I’m even going to write about the next couple of hours is specifically because I was accused of being a “blabber mouth” and a “child that doesn’t know anything about how the real world works” by a drunken excuse of a woman. This woman is his mother, and I am going to follow suit.

Childish insults for a childish and, in my mind, hilarious recounting of her miserable failure. I very much enjoy these types of… releases. Why bother fighting with someone who is so deep in her own acidic shit? Let us just roll with the undeniable truth that I am a snitch, and just throw her personal life up here where everyone can see it. This should be fun!

Let’s start from the top.

We’re talking in his car about what’s going on. Apparently she got mad because myself and a fellow overeater ate all of her barbecue output. Conveniently ignoring her “come on over, we have plenty of food!” sentiment on the day. Fine, though. Even if you have “plenty” I can understand being miffed about someone eating all of your food. I stay quiet and listen further for juicer and, more importantly, relevant reasoning to her kicking him out.

He’s her son, he’s staying with her while he’s working and out of school, he pays for his necessities (buys his own food and gas, etc.) but not rent. Being a son-freeloader, I cannot argue in her favor here because I would be jeopardizing my own lifestyle, but at the same time it is not as though he is putting much greater stress on her than her younger daughter (and really the central issue, as I will get to) would if she was living there. And certainly no greater than her currently unemployed boyfriend, whom I will remind I am particularly fond of, but will remain objective about at the moment.

Anyway, I continue listening. He’s going to reimburse part of the grocery bill, a $20 gas loan, and I guess internet usage as well. Fine. Reasonable.

Waiting for the kicker, the thing that’s making her be an actual bitch.

I’m going to skip all the boring chitchat and get to the part she’s pissed at me about. She believes I told him something that, in fact, he told me. SO, since I never actually told him anything, but I’ve already gotten bitched at for doing it, I’ll just post it here for anyone:

She has a court appearance tomorrow with her ex-husband. It’s a custody battle over their daughter. She is going to LOSE and LOSE HARD, because she is irresponsible, lazy, and absolutely swimming in a pool of what must be 100-proof alcohol at this point. Having already lost total custody of the poor girl, and having been assigned to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings she never attends (and stupidly told some lawyer she never goes) I find it hard to believe she has any better chance at reclaiming her daughter than a margarita in hell.

Tired of little boys who know nothing about the real world?

I tire of drunken whores who back-stab friends and family because she’s too incompetent to support herself, or anyone else.

Get real, bitch.

I got a chance to be alone with Alex, about an hour, she said. Time was working so differently…

The second I saw her I sprinted to her. I ran full speed, faster than ever. I could barely stop myself when I got to her. Her hair blew back and I fell forward, and I made it a hug.

We walked around her elementary school and she told me about her old school days, we walked up to the outdoor classroom. Discarded backpack spilled on one side. We sat on concrete steps. She says I smell good.

We named a deer Nathan.

Then she saved me from mosquitoes.

Walked back around to the front. Sit on a picnic table.

She wears the pants, and will grow a beard because I can’t.

She knows something is wrong.

Anything this big, this important, should not be so difficult to tell her.

I have trouble meeting her gaze, until I have something to say.

It isn’t about sex at all.

I’m not confident.

I shouldn’t be your boyfriend.

A: I wanted somebody different, and I got somebody different. Thing is, people can be different in a good way, or different in a bad way.
E: Which way am I going again?
A: You’re going the right way.

“If it’s not me, you’re going to find someone perfect for you.”

I want it to be you.

So bad.

I have this weird state I’d like to share with the internet, which I like to call Blank.

Blank is a strange fellow. He doesn’t really feel much of anything, emotionally. Anything he displays is a cheap imitation, emulation, and mockery of actual feeling.

I have been Blank for the last three days, including today.

And if I can’t stop being Blank, and start being… someone who can show and receive love in a manner that Alex is familiar with…

…I’m going to have to break up with her.

My eyes have the sensation like I should be crying, but it doesn’t seem to work right now. So I’m not.

I really don’t like this.

I decided to stop lying.

:-*